Lesson learned: giving second chances in spite of a deal-breaker

This year I decided to focus considerable attention on establishing a new flat and making it a homely environment suitable for hosting guests. It’s been less than two months so far and I’ve come a long way and faced plenty of drama. Early in my search for suitable flatmates, my previous flatmate referred her ex, who decided to take the room, yet didn’t actually get in touch with me properly. Within a few weeks there was suddenly a long list of red flags with this person:

• He made the decision to take the room without telling me, instead going through my previous flatmate instead.
• He didn’t reach out to confirm anything, meaning I couldn’t screen him properly.
• He didn’t have a job, couldn’t pay the bond up front.
• In over a month he hasn’t done a single communal chore.
• He often left the front door open.
• He didn’t clean up after himself.
• He claimed not to be antisocial, but he wasn’t really social at all.
• He claimed he could observe things that were going on without asking about it, and this was his justification for not asking questions that normal people do about how to not step on other people’s toes. But twice he helped himself to other people’s things without first asking.
• Twice there was a very strong smell of weed coming from his room.

But really before most of those things emerged, he paid late on the first day and took several days to sign his flatting agreement, despite multiple prompts. A heated conversation about that made it clear to me that he simply didn’t think paying on time was a big deal, and that I was making a fuss over things that would be sorted out anyway.

I was pretty furious about these things and nearly kicked him out on the spot. However, talking to a level-headed friend helped me make an empowered decision rather than an emotionally driven one. I did have one excellent conversation initially with this person and thought he might have something to contribute, and I also did believe that all the drama with payments would be a one-time thing while things were getting set up. Simultaneously, kicking him out immediately was also a good option, because I never would have chosen this person had I gone through interviewing multiple potential flatmates, and I’m sure that I could have easily found someone with less annoying habits and better communication.

In the end, I chose to be open to the possibility of things getting better, settled my grievances, and gave him a chance. The drama with payments was sorted out, except for the fact that he signed his agreement without even putting his details on it. I didn’t pursue this further as it was actually in my favor to not have it signed if we were to ask him to leave, and I was just tired of chasing up a matter that demonstrated pure incompetence and neglect from his side.

Anyhow, more concerning behaviors emerged from him like the smoking weed in the house, complete lack of communal contribution, and the very strong vibe that every time he was in the house he was either in a rush to enter or a rush to leave. My other flatmate and I wanted someone to connect with, and this guy totally wasn’t it. So we ended up asking him to leave, and this too has been problematic because we offered him some lenience in terms of timeframe to vacate.

At the time it was totally unclear to me whether it was better or not to give him a second chance to stay, as his disregard for timely sorting out of finances was a deal-breaker for me. In hindsight, here’s what I’ve learned about this situation about deciding whether it makes sense to accept a deal-breaker.

• The deal-breaker will never change. If you find out very early on that someone doesn’t care about, respect, or value something that is important to you as a requirement, keep in mind that nothing will make them suddenly care about that thing.
• No amount of kindness from your end or gratitude from theirs will change the deal-breaker itself. But other good things might come of it.
• The deal-breaker can only be avoided under perfect conditions. Every other situation can crumble. People can offer false reassurances or pretend to care, but despite even the best of intentions, whenever something goes wrong or things become hard, they will always default to their original state, which is that they didn’t care about this thing in the first place.
• Consider the long-term impact of the missing virtue. Different missing virtues behind the deal-breaker have different degrees of vulnerability in terms of a bad situation getting worse. For example, dishonesty, poor communication, severe addiction, severe mental illness, violence, and stealing are things that are bad and can easily lead to a downward spiral when you try to address any issues arising from it. Some of these will touch every area of a person’s life, and the severity may not be apparent from the get go. When a person lies about small things, maybe most things don’t matter until one thing does, and when you attempt to confront that lie, more lies emerge, and so on. I would actually say that general incompetence, avoidance of responsibility, and even financial hardship also have the potential to spiral. Things that don’t get worse out of time might include habits that you can easily adjust for, or that you get used to eventually.
• Consider how often the deal-breaker thing occurs or might occur. If your answer needs to be “in theory, never again, because I’ve dealt with it once and for all”, consider the possibility that it hasn’t been dealt with perfectly, or that unexpected circumstances might arise and trigger things again. So imagine the deal-breaker thing occurring at least one more time and the cost of it.
• Consider the possibility of having to resign to the deal-breaker. If resolving a deal-breaker was a nightmare the first time, it will still likely be a nightmare if there is a second time. Things might not be easier the second time either, you might not have the resources if you happen to fall sick or some part of your lifestyle becomes unstable. Or maybe what you’ve experienced so far is only the beginning. What would it be like having to resign to the deal-breaker? Is it worth saying no to the whole situation on the basis that the worst case possibility has too high a cost, that it threatens too much of what is important to us?

Summary

When it comes to putting up with deal-breakers, it’s crucial to evaluate whether they can truly be isolated issues that are either one-off or potentially tolerable and never get worse over time. Consider the underlying virtues that are lacking, as this may highlight the potential for struggles in multiple areas that aren’t yet obvious. For example, poor communication, incompetence, poor boundaries, dishonesty, carelessness, or mental illness are likely to cause reoccurring issues in the known deal-breaker pattern, as well as in a growing list of issues that are impossible to foresee at first. Some problems can genuinely be highly specific annoyances or one-offs, but anything featured in this list will generally not be isolated.

Does Wellington really have good food?

I’m not especially a foodie, because I usually care most about convenience. My initial impressions after living in Wellington for a year were that eating out was more expensive than in other NZ cities, and that Wellington simply had cultural diversity, not quality. But since I had not actually tested many of the restaurants known as being tried and true, I wouldn’t have known Wellington for great food even if it could be found.

I decided to give Wellington a fair chance, so here’s my notes from this journey. My ratings only take into food, not ambience or quality of service.

Chow (4.5/5)

An Asian restaurant with a $15 lunch deal set. I went here only coincidentally, not expecting much, and I was shocked by how flavorful their dishes were. Very hard to beat, I rate them 4.5/5.

CJ’s Hangi (1.5/5)

I’d never tried a hangi before so it was on my bucket list. They pack these meals in an aluminum tray and you pick this up from one of their collection points. I did not like this at all, the smoked flavor of the hangi didn’t contribute much to the veggies. I’ve never really understood stuffing and didn’t enjoy it. The meat was almost good at times, but was overall dry. All in all, there was potential to be as good as canteen food, but even there it missed the mark.

Ekim (4.5/5)

My go-to burger place in Wellington. I don’t like their burgers that much (though I rate other burger places even lower), the main reason being each time they’ve been slightly burned. However, their burrito options are a guilty pleasure, and some of their sides such as kransky are worth trying too.

One downside of Ekim is that they don’t take phone or online orders, and the wait time tends to be similar to that of a restaurant while you wait within their outdoor setup.

Burger Liquor (4.5/5)

“The Smokey” (burger) is supposedly renown so I went to try this. Generally I only like burgers but don’t love them. The Smokey didn’t change that, but it still struck me as a well balanced burger with literally nothing that I could criticize. Complete without flaws. I don’t prefer smoked flavors in the first place, so possibly other burgers would have swayed me more. The chips were decent but ultimately nothing special. Their shakes are apparently a game-changer but I did not try.

1154 (5/5)

I’m not a fan of Italian food. For reference, I generally prefer Italian food less than I do burgers. I’ve also had homemade Italian food by someone who is allegedly a decent cook, according to others. However, 1154 shot straight up to the best Italian food I’ve ever eaten. I had their special for the day, which was conchiglie pasta with chicken, mascarpone sauce, white wine sauce, covered with breadcrumbs. Usually the pasta I’ve had at previous restaurants starts to become bland after eating half of it. Not the case here. Delicious and full of flavor.

1154 is also known for their torta cioccolato (flourless chocolate cake). I had this to take home. It melts wonderfully in your mouth, and as I was eating this, I was just so disarmed by how good it was, eventually I started crying, it was kind of like that scene in Ratatouille where Ego gets transported to his childhood memory.

Scopa (3/5)

Scopa has a reputation for their unique dessert-y Italian hot chocolate, so that’s what I came for. I found it strange. It was rich and confusing, and I can’t easily convince myself I enjoyed it as a dessert more than I would a chocolate yogurt from the supermarket. Was it better than a typical hot chocolate? I suppose so.

I also had their Toscana pizza. Super thin, 4 slices. No better than a fast food pizza (other than a lot less calories). Not worth the price at all.

Ombra (4.5/5)

Another Italian place. I had their polenta chips, which I thought was a risky order because it’s the kind of dish that can easily come out acceptable but mediocre more so than other things. However, it was marvelous. Their “secret mayo” really sealed the deal, and that combined with the sprinkling of ricotta on the chips made for a complete journey of flavors.

I also had their wild venison meatballs. I confess I did not understand the combination of the meatballs with cold salad-like elements: ricotta, butter bean, beetroot chip. Regardless, the meatballs were packed with flavor and it was a satisfying dish overall.

Kisa (4/5)

Kisa features middle Eastern cuisine with a large Turkish influence. I felt quite out of my depth and didn’t order the right things. I had spicy eggplant dip with pita bread, Turkish pickle salad, flank steak shish kebab. Everything had powerful flavors. The eggplant dip was too sour for me, and the pickle salad even more so (what was I expecting?). Those two had my tongue burning by the time I was finished. The kebab was nice but not quite spectacular.

Although my item choices were a bit of an oversight, I wasn’t disappointed in the sense that I felt the dishes delivered on quality and flavor even if I learned it wasn’t for me. And there was a highlight: the top of the pickle salad had pieces of lettuce with a sweet sauce and sprinkling of crunchy garnish. The texture and flavor combination of that topping was glorious; it was probably the most excited I’ve ever been about any part of a salad dish.

Fratelli (3.5/5)

I only had their Pappardelle au ragu. It was average, like “too much seasoning used to make up for deficit in fundamental taste” kinda league.

Everybody Eats (2.5/5)

This is a pay-as-you-feel community restaurant serving 3 course meals and run as a charity with volunteers. Much of their ingredients are donated from businesses. There was something weird or off about something in each course. Like crunchy overcooked rice or fruit that was old yet but not overripe. The portions were also a bit inadequate.

Rita (4.5/5)

3 course meal for around $100. While delicious overall, I think the food was more exploratory than it was simply delicious. Possibly related to the fact that the menu at Rita changes everyday. I suspect the original duo associated with Rita back in 2018-2019 were/are no longer present.

RE Burger (4.5/5)

If I’m being honest, I find that most burger places don’t beat McDonalds in terms of taste. However, RE Burger’s REsauce is pretty similar to the sauce in a Big Mac, and their burgers are obviously more substantial. Their cheeseburger fries are pretty incredible too.

Bellamys by Logan Brown (4/5)

Good but not great. Simple pleasures: their house-churned cultured butter on sourdough was incredible. Everything else was good but also flawed in a noticeable way, even though the menu doesn’t seem designed to be experimental at all. Would I be tempted to go again? Not particularly.

Noodle Kim, Vivian St (5/5)

It’s a shame I only chanced upon this on my second to last day in Wellington, it would easily have become my go-to takeaway option if I had found it sooner! Absolutely delicious, simple and actually healthy/balanced (and not just relative to other takeaways), cheap and good portions. Somehow it just ranks at the top in every regard as a takeaway that’s not a guilty pleasure.

Conclusion

Wellington absolutely does have great food if you put in just a little bit of effort into trying out places. Some of the tastiest stuff is not even from higher end restaurants.