My mind has been so active lately. For example, I’ve been averaging one or two dreams/nightmares a day for the last month and a half since I came home from Europe. Quite unusual. My subconscious, via instinct, has been regularly delivering me the answers to some very hard questions. My instinct used to speak to me about once a year, so it’s been a very noticeable change from that. Although my everyday situation in life remains stagnant, I’ve been learning so much through cognition that my writing, my dialogue with friends, counseling, and so on can barely keep up with the content my mind is sifting through. There are so many thoughts that need checking. One does not simply accept what their intuition tells them when the conclusions are so novel relative to one’s experience. “How can I know this?” is a common one. But I digress.
All this thinking is a distraction from the work I must complete. Much of it is misused. I cannot stop thinking, so it seems what I naturally do is redirect it to what is convenient for my lazy and impulsive conscious mind. One of my worst behaviors by far is to fixate on hobbies and adopt compulsive projects in order to procrastinate and distract myself. I need to work on that big time. I’m not sure I’ll be able to follow through, but I have to try. I cannot back down from a challenge that I know to have such important consequences if I succeed. I will try and that’s what matters the most. I refuse to stop trying, even if it’s just trying to try.
For a month, I’ll abstain (read: try to abstain) from pursuing any projects describable by any of these terms: weird, crazy, obsessive, stupid. That pretty much rules out all of them. Only piano practice, blogging, and cooking will be permitted as possible exemptions. I must spend more time confronting the work that makes me uncomfortable but is important to my goals. I must lean into that discomfort and try to understand it and accept it.